boys

I see and I find it weird.
What do you think of guys using emoticons?
To me, I think emoticons are used mostly by females. So emoticons are feminine. And therefore guys using emoticons are feminine. Am I wrong? Are there people who disagree that emoticons are feminine? I need opinions.
But guys who don't use emoticons are boring. Personally, I like guys who use emoticons. What do you think? You can even sms me your answer.
I don't understand boys. ._.

):

My dad destroyed my hard disk. I know he didn't do it purposely and that blaming him won't do any good. But I'm still bloody angry whenever I remember that my 50+gigabyte worth of videos were killed by him. )< Yes, I got a new hard disk but I DON'T WANT A NEW HARD DISK. I want THAT hard disk. That hard disk that includes my Cartoon KATTUN, Himitsu no Arashi Chan, Arashi no shukudaikun, PVs, Shounen Club, and so many of my favourite videos! Some of them can't even be downloaded anymore.
First rejections, then criticisms, then this. Isn't it a series of unfortuante events?
On the other hand, pasir ris beach on friday, club NANA and volleyball yesterday were awesome. I'm in LOVE! <3 ...with volleyball I mean.

I'm ok

I'm more or less a little more calmed. But now I have chest pains. I hope it's not serious! D:
Anyway, I'm now deciding whether I should continue my education because I just don't know what I wanna be in the future. Maybe I'll just take a break for a year or two. The only problem is that I don't think I have the courage to tell everyone that I'm not studying in a university. What I wanna do now is to take a few years break, get some working experience and be more matured. Then I'll take SAT and study in the states. I know I'll be a few years behind but that's ok. The only problem is my pride. I just have this feeling that people will be laughing at me. ): Maybe I should stop thinking of what people thinks and decide on what I wanna do and what I think is best for me. I just hope I have the strength to convince the people that I believe I'll make the right choice. For one I know my dad's insisting that I retake A levels. He apparently thinks that taking A level is like taking SAT math - a breeze. But I really don't want to take A levels anymore. I am certain. I just hope that my dad understands, and my mom...and everyone else.

Anyway I wanna thank my friends and family who have been there for me during this lousy period of time. Really touched by how they keep cheering me up.
Tomei for her countless advice, academic and non-academic wise and also her reminders on how bad my english is. Maybe I should use the break and brush up on my language.
Lesbo partner Bex and Bimbo friend Meiqi who even offered to treat me to ice cream. (If you know them they do this only once in a rainbow moon)
Uncle Rick for his help.
Cousin kh for trying to help at a very very very bad time. (After I got a long lecture by uncle rick)
Parents who can't bear to see me cry every night.
Nataku who *tries* to cheer me up. HAHA!
JiaQi and Eileen who always says "Cheer up" whenever I have a ): face.

I realised who cares and who doesn't. If your name is not up there but you're reading this, i think you care too (:

Why can't I just be someone else? I hate being born stupid.

I need some time.

untitled.

The more I write, the more I can't go on. This is fucking depressing seriously. All day long, facing the computer, alternating between videos, facebook and Microsoft Words. How lively. I can't take it anymore. It doesn't help that my parents take turns to come to my room and ask "Have you finish your letter" like 10 fucking times each. I know they care. I really do. But really, just shut up. I know after I submitted my appeal they're gonna go like "Has the result been out yet" another 10 times each everyday. I really really really really really really really really can't wait to work. This is some of the times I really really really really really hate being at home. And it's bad to keep asking people to review my appeal letter. First, it's embarassing. Second, it troubles people. Third, I look bloody desperate. Forth, I lose my pride. My pride has already been completely stripped off and now it's in the negative region. If this continues, I think I'm going to have social withdrawal syndromes. It is not a joke even though after reading it I feel my life's been one.

life sucks

I swear, I swear man! I swear my parents are picking on every little thing I do. Especially after the rejection letters. And I've had it! Why can't they understand! For example, I took a nap just now. 5-6pm. I was so tired. I was writing my appeal letter yesterday til like 2am again. Some aunt called the house phone at 9am today and no one was at home except my sleeping sister. So obviously I was the one answering the phone. That aunt is super talkative. At 9am in the morning, she kept asking questions about my mom and repeating the same point over and over again. At fricking 9am in the morning. I was grumpy alr. Then the bloody getai music started blasting at the pasar malam. At 9am in the morning. My dad and bro got home at 10am. Woke me up. Fine, i give up. Grumpy the whole day. Doesn't help that I have my period. And I need more sleep during this period, period ahah. They left again at 11am. I worked on my letter until 12nn, when i couldn't take it and took a nap. 1215! My sis called home and ask if mom is back. 1230 she reached home and said "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS ALR?!" She thought I was still sleeping after she left home at 10am. I GIVE UP! got up and did my stuff. 5pm, couldn't take it. And the cramps are killing me. I slept. 6pm mom woke me up. My dad JUST HAS to add on "Now her sleeping time is reversed." Wtf please. Just because they had a nap earlier it means that my sleeping time is reversed?! Seriously pissed off. I lack sleep, period.
My dad is seriously unreasonable and doesn't understand me at all. After I got my rejection letters, he went like "Oh you see it's because you don't read books" But the thing is I read all the time. When I read English novels, he'll say "Don't read too much of your novels. Newspaper will do you better" wtf?! And then he'll say "You're always reading english novels and not chinese ones." He just seem to have something to say no matter what kind of books I read. Once, I was reading journey to the west, CHINESE VERSION, when he came over and say "See, i know you're reading english books again. Why don't you read chinese books?" I told him what I was reading and he said "But you don't read enough" Right. So am I supposed to read 4 chinese books at once? HAH.
It sucks to be me right?
So yesterday me ss and jess were sitting like uncles in a coffeeshop talking about the future at 12midnight. HAHA. Uncle talks without beer. They say I have a tai tai look. Right. AHHA. And I was like saying how I was thinking not to give birth in the future. Naw, naw. I wouldn't want my children to suffer in future. They are born into this world to be tortured. Can't you see? Havent you been through the torture yourself? The ugliness of society, the stressful life, etc etc. It's not that I don't love my future child. People who know me should know that I love babies/children. I love them too much I don't want them to be born into this ugly world. Mankind should just disappear after my generation, seriously. Oh no, the misanthrope in me is taking over! I shall stop now.

Me of little faith

You may laugh at this post.
Ive got rejection letters from all universities i applied to. The thing is, I went to "ask god" back at my hometown and they said "pray everyday and you'll get a place in university". I prayed like some dog everyday, even refilling the oil in the damn cup and help out with the what-not religious things and I still got fucking rejected? What a joke. I was agnostic once. I'm becoming an atheist soon. Or I'm already one now. YES. Destroy the world. Wahahaha!

contrast

It's ironic how my blog posts are always so gloomy while my blog skin is pure white. Hurhurhur. I should stop being such a misanthrope and stop critisizing things...not. HAHA!
Thanks for all the sms of concern. Don't worry, I won't think of suicide. Suicide troubles people. If you jump off a building, imagine the shock when people find you dead in a pool of blood and your head all cracked and stuff. Or if you jump onto the MRT rail, imagine the trouble when those workers have to scrap your body off the train. If you stab yourself at home when your family's off for a holiday, imagine the smell that lingers and how it'll suffocate people. Please luh I'm not like those STUPID ATTENTION SEEKING suiciders who troubles others. If I want to die, I would die after my parents die. So then I would feel the pain instead of them feeling it. If I want to die, I'll use up my money to travel around the world first then stop at tibet and freeze to death at the Himalayas. At least no one have to prepare a grave for me. HAHA. Save money save time. And I get to enjoy the scenery for eternaty. :D

The biggest regret that I have is being born into this fucking world.

Sent from my iPhone

):

I'm sad. ): Her conversation section is still at the first page of my phone. Everytime I see it I feel guilty. OMG i know i sound totally like a lesbian ok but i'm not. I still don't dare to talk to her. Just shut me down.

emotions like rollercoaster

I know I did something awefully wrong. I did something I hate most to other people. I actually ps-ed someone at the very last minute for selfish reasons. I wanted to go k-box instead of Zouk even though I told my friend that I'll be there. My friend waited for us but we went K-box instead. A joke right? Anyone would have gotten angry. But is it wrong to choose something you like to do over other things? For one, I wasn't in the mood to club cos I was in jeans and sandals. Also, I enjoy spending time with my other friends so much who doesn't want to club that I don't want to just end the night like that. Is it wrong of me to be selfish? Is it wrong to choose to do something that you like? I'm not saying I'm right in my ways. I do feel remorseful after the whole thing. And I did regret. Not regretting having choosing k-box over clubbing. I regret telling my friend that I'll go. But that doesn't mean I don't like my clubbing friend. If my clubbing friend didn't leave first to go clubbing, we could have gone k-boxing together and I wouldn't be so set on going kbox.
I apologised. I don't think it'll work. But I tried. I want to stop thinking about this.

I am a MISANTHROPE :(

Well, not that serious i guess. Not to the extend that I'll isolate myself from the world. Or kill every single man (or woman) I see. I do dislike Mankind. Its decomposed beauty. I don't think of myself as perfect in any way. I criticize human's ugly points. Doesn't mean i don't have any. The fact that I even criticize at all shows my ugliness within.
This is a quote from the GazettE's song, translated, [A moth under the skin].
"You resemble a butterfly. It is only a pretense. You forgot to have been called a moth sometime…"
I can't say I know exactly what it means. But from what I interpreted, it means you go around thinking and making yourself look like you're beautiful but people actually thinks you're ugly.

Fishmongers

What do fishmongers do? They selfish. HAHA! I know it's old but.
Yeah, anyway I just kinda think... if being selfish is a good or bad thing. I mean, yeah people will go "obviously it's a bad thing". Like, obviously, because that's what you were taught since young right? Like your mom will go "Oh don't be selfish! Share your toys with your siblings!" Obviously the hidden meaning of it is that being selfish is bad right? But do people grow up to be selfless? Nah. If you're really not selfish, you wouldn't even be studying, working or living. By studying you're taking up spaces in the school and that means lesser chance for others to study. By working, you're taking up work which other people need. By living you're using up scarce resources. Yeah. So selfish is not completely bad. Everyone is selfish. But that's only 2 stages of selfishness.
The last stage of selfishness is when you completely have no intention of helping or caring about anyone but yourself. I call them the Ultimates. All these Ultimates do is to talk about themselves. All the time. They completely don't ask about others and whenever their friends tell them about their troubles, the Ultimates will surely find a way to twist the conversation so that the conversation will be about them. They just can't bear to talk about other people cos it hurts their ears when they do so. They just can't bother to know what other people are doing because it takes up unnecessary space in their brains. They expect you to listen to their stories but not telling them cos they don't give a shit. Usually when you tell them about your day, they go "uh uh. Eh you know I..." Like, the words I and ME are the only pronouns they know. There is no YOU in it.
Please do your own classification. If you're at that ultimate stage then well, you're hopeless. You might think that being at the last stage is no big deal and that it doesn't harm you. Well, if it doesn't harm you then you're one lucky person born with charismatic good looks or you're good in bed. Serious. Why then would any sane person want to hang out with selfish and egoistic people? Selfish people are definitely hated by many people. Even if you have the brain and skills to be promoted to a higher social status, people other than gold-diggers and boot-lickers would still not want to be associated to you. At least I know I won't.
But then again, these selfish people wouldn't even notice if people are being hostile to them or if they're being hated. They're too selfish to care.

if only

There are at least 10 if only-s i can list now. Life's full of regrets and unfairness ain't it? I should stop regretting and complaining shouldn't I? I mean, I deserve what I get. I can't help that my brain ain't made for studying.
I realised last year that studying wasn't meant for me. I hate studying. I used to say that it's ok if I can't get into a university. I can just get into some culinary school and learn bakery which is one of my interests. But you know parents. They think that only getting a degree is good for you. If I can't get into a university, I'm actually fine with it. But then I'll still be depressed cos I know I didn't live up to my parent's expectations and because then I can see how stupid I really am that I studied so hard and couldn't get anything while other people can just study a few days before and get good grades. I not made to study. Going to a JC was a big mistake. For one, just trying to sit for A levels with my kind of O level grade is a complete joke. The fact that i couldn't score well with PSLE and O levels, well, I don't think that's purely coincidence. There has to be something wrong with me to get those results right? But no, nobody gets it. JC is the only shortcut to university. Oh sure. I'm heading towards the dead end cos I took a wrong turn. But seriously, I'm not blaming anyone here. Just myself. My parents invested so much on me, and I really mean invest. Since young they've been giving me the best education. They spent so much, in hope for me to get into a uni in the future. But I stopped the tuition nonsense in primary 6. And I do mean, tuition is nonsense. Tuition is just a mean for educated people to get money by doing primary school homework. I don't learn anything in tuition. Tuition is useless to a primary school kid. Cos these kids just want tuition teacher to do their school homework. Well, I know cos that's what I did and I know of many friends who rely on tuition teacher to do their chinese compo/essay etc.
Ok I just can't continue any longer. Good night.

The world's as complicated as it seems

First, I'll start my post with the usual fandom. Today's topic shall be about SuG. Well, they've become major when i was in Jrock hiatus. Although I knew Mitsuru left the band like last year, I only read his final blog post just now. I'm sad now. ): His blogpost is just total sadness. ): He kinda looks like Reita. ._. Since then I haven't been catching up with SuG. Watching Love Scream Party just now made me miss Mitsuru even more! ): And I remember I was sad too when Tara left 176biz. shucks.

Ok. Fandom over. Mature talks now.
I'm kinda tired now but I'll try to write as good as I can.
So like today I was at the coffeeshop oppposite my house for lunch and I saw this family with a rich kind of aura around them. And turn out I was right i think. Her daughter was wearing Guess Tanktop, her mom has a... I cannot rmb what but it's branded bag. Then I was thinking. You know when rich people bring out their luxuries like jewellery, bags, watches etc, people will think that they're trying to show off their wealth and so the poorer ones will start criticising them cos they're jealous. But when someone from an average family or less than average family bought some luxury goods, people will think that they're acting rich and start criticising them being afraid of stripping off their pride. So, really, what is the use of luxury goods when you'll just be criticised all the way, not matter how rich or how poor you are? Even when people say, "Wow man you've got an LV bag? So happy for you blah." you know they are jealous.
Shit I just realised I'm written rubbish. HAAH. Sorry I shall sleep now and not cause trouble.

Misconception

Credits to anyone related to this smex picture. :D Ahem, first of all, Saga-sama is too hot for his own good. He should be charged for his sexiness.

I realised people have this misconception about J-rockers. They think that they look disgusting and weird and scary but actually they are really nice people. I mean, listen to them in variety shows and radio broadcasts and their live. You can sense their sincerity in producing good music for us to enjoy (only applicable to people who are willing to give j-rock a chance). In their private life, most of them are actually very plain! They dress in denim and T-shirts and not in punk clothings and white contact lens. HAHA! Unlike many pop singers, who lip-synch during lives, rockers put in alot of effort to play all the music LIVE, which is seriously not easy. Their songs, though alot of screaming, are usually not nonsensical at all. It is usually sentimental and has a lot of hidden meanings. You just have to read the lyrics. Ok i know I may have said alot of good things about them. The only bad thing about them is that they are vulgar and many find them unacceptable. But they really respect people! When they think they're rude in some ways which may offend others, they apologise! They're very cute :D

Ok enough of my fandom. I'm too tired to think about other things to talk about. I barely slept enough these few days. 6 hours, 4 hours. This is absurd.