It's 1.12am
It's 1.12am. And I can't sleep. Rare isn't it? 1.12am and here am I, voluntarily awake. I'm stressed over SAT. I'm stressed because I can't score well in English. And it seems like no matter how many papers I did, I never do well. You know, I feel like a loser. Really. I did 5 papers already. I know others did fewer papers than me. But they did better than me. Do you know how bad I feel? Like, people can just overtake me in terms of grades with so little effort while here I am working my ass off for nothing. And I mean nothing. It's not like the same words are going to appear again anyway. I'm really stressed. I know all I can say is this. I know I'm like a kid who only knows how to whine and go "oh I'm a loser blabla" and just rant off how life's unfair to me. I know, I know. But I can't help it. I know I have to do something about it, but I don't know what. How can I do better?
People have been saying that I'm always lazy and that if I really put in my 100% effort I can do so much better. Somehow I really doubt that. I really think I'm not at all clever. Why do people always think I am? And it's not just one or two. It's my parents, my uncle, Mr Bob Lau, Soon Hock, and many more. Maybe it's just their way of comforting me when I didn't do well for my tests? But I think that what they say is an overstatement.
Many times I've thought about it seriously. I would say I'm clever if I understand something when it is taught to me once. But no, I usually can't understand after being explained to once. I would say I'm clever if I get good PSLE scores, O level and A level scores. But no, I didn't. And this is where the "you could have done better" comes in. "If you didn't go out that much during that time you would've done better". It's not that I didn't study. It's that I couldn't. My mind is not designed to study. Neither is it designed to work as a clinic assistant. But nobody understands. Studying is just like some antibodies you know. It's supposed to help you and it is forcifully injected into you so you'll get better. But for my body, it'll experience some kind of rejection. It's not that I don't want to accept it. But it just naturally gets rejected by the body. I guess not many people can understand what I'm trying to say. Afterall, I'm bad at expressing myself due to my lack of vocabulary and lousy cognitive skills.
But even so I won't give up yet. Maybe I should just do my best as a proud loser.
It's 1.36am now.
People have been saying that I'm always lazy and that if I really put in my 100% effort I can do so much better. Somehow I really doubt that. I really think I'm not at all clever. Why do people always think I am? And it's not just one or two. It's my parents, my uncle, Mr Bob Lau, Soon Hock, and many more. Maybe it's just their way of comforting me when I didn't do well for my tests? But I think that what they say is an overstatement.
Many times I've thought about it seriously. I would say I'm clever if I understand something when it is taught to me once. But no, I usually can't understand after being explained to once. I would say I'm clever if I get good PSLE scores, O level and A level scores. But no, I didn't. And this is where the "you could have done better" comes in. "If you didn't go out that much during that time you would've done better". It's not that I didn't study. It's that I couldn't. My mind is not designed to study. Neither is it designed to work as a clinic assistant. But nobody understands. Studying is just like some antibodies you know. It's supposed to help you and it is forcifully injected into you so you'll get better. But for my body, it'll experience some kind of rejection. It's not that I don't want to accept it. But it just naturally gets rejected by the body. I guess not many people can understand what I'm trying to say. Afterall, I'm bad at expressing myself due to my lack of vocabulary and lousy cognitive skills.
But even so I won't give up yet. Maybe I should just do my best as a proud loser.
It's 1.36am now.
posted by myLIFE. at
4/27/2010 01:11:00 AM
<< Home